The Importance of Water
by ShadowSilk
Summary: AU. Crackfic. After Suigetsu woke him up for the thirteenth time, all Hidan wanted was to strangle his new roommate with his bare hands. Oneshot.


**Author's Note**: My two favorite characters, Suigetsu and Hidan! Haha, this ought to be interesting.

**Warnings**: Strong language here.

**Pairings**: None.

**Disclaimer: **Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto.

* * *

Suigetsu staggered forward, tugging at a large suitcase. As he dragged it across the floor, it knocked painfully against his shins. 

"GAH!" With a loud shout, he angrily kicked the luggage. Almost as if the inanimate object was trying to convey its displeasure, it tipped on its side and swung forward, crushing Suigetsu's right foot.

"_Mother of pearl_!"

As Suigetsu hopped around, clutching his swollen appendage, he was unaware of a door clicking open behind him.

"Keep it down out there, dumb fuck!"

Suigestu froze. "Who said that?" he demanded.

"For the love of Jashin!" A man with slicked-back hair stuck his head out a dorm room. His features were twisted in an unpleasant scowl. "Shut up! I'm trying to perform a ritual, damn it!"

Suigetsu gave him a confused look.

"A…_ritual_?"

"Yes, a ritual, you pansy." The man sighed exasperatedly, turning around and heading back into his room. "Ignorant _heathens_…"

The door slammed shut with a large _bang_. Suigetsu stared at the grungy wood, quizzically scratching his head.

"What the hell was that?"

Suigetsu shrugged, grabbed the luggage handle, and continued his slow trek down the hallway. He suddenly felt resistance from his suitcase. It had gotten caught in a snag in the carpet. Gritting his teeth, Suigetsu tugged at it with all his might. It came free and crashed into his shin.

"_Mother of_ _PEARL_!"

* * *

There was an insistent knocking at the door. It was getting louder, rising to a full crescendo. Muttering to himself, Hidan dropped his carving knife and made his way to the door. 

"I'm coming, I'm coming," he growled. "Keep your fucking pants on, buddy."

The door swung open. A scruffy young man with a rather overstuffed suitcase stood at the doorway, smiling sheepishly.

"I'm your roommate!"

Hidan stared at him dubiously.

"_You_?"

The young man held up a slip of paper, tapping it with one finger. "Yeah. Room change."

Hidan was not happy. "…Fine then."

His new roommate heaved in a large suitcase. "I'm Suigetsu, by the way."

"Hidan."

"So where should I put my stuff?" Suigetsu asked brightly, looking around. His eyes went wide. "Oh…_shit_…"

"_What_?"

"What the hell is _that_?"

Suigetsu was pointing to a large, blood-covered structure in the middle of the room. A slain chicken was spread across the table. Feathers were flying all around. It was almost like snowfall. A very twisted version of a winter wonderland.

"Sacrificial altar," Hidan stated matter-of-factly. "I have to fill my quota for Jashin every month with fresh blood." He gestured towards the mutilated chicken. "Fun shit. You should try it."

Suigetsu was unenthusiastic.

"In our room?"

"In _my_ room."

Suigetsu cocked an eyebrow. "Oh, I don't think so."

Hidan, who had picked up the carving knife, turned around slowly. His eyebrows were knit-low.

"What did you say?"

Suigetsu met his gaze unflinchingly.

"Get it out."

"Listen, ya heathen fucker. This altar ain't going anywhere."

Suigetsu grinned hard, revealing a row of pointed teeth.

"Wanna bet on that, pretty boy?"

* * *

After the dormitory supervisor had been called, a team of scrawny security guards wielding pepper spray and flashlights flooded into the room and pried Hidan and Suigetsu apart. The two were given a severe warning. 

Both of the unhappy roommates sat scowling on their sides of the room.

"Fuck you," Hidan growled. "Thanks to you, they took away my altar."

Suigetsu smirked at him.

"Damn it!" his roommate snarled, flinging his arms in the air. "Jashin's going to be _fucking pissed_. Thanks a lot, asshole."

Suigetsu raised an eyebrow and leaned back into his pillow. "Psh. You're such a drama queen."

Hidan stalked over to his bed, flinging chicken feathers off his pillow. He lay sprawled across his bed sheets and held up a small, glinting rosary to the light.

"What's that?" Suigetsu asked, suddenly interested.

His roommate turned to look at him. He was surprised. "A rosary. I'm a follower of Jashin."

Suigetsu snorted. "Crazy nutcase."

"_What_?!"

"I've heard things about you guys. Jashinism is messed up," Suigetsu said, lying back on his bed. "Just look at you, making such a big deal over a sacrificial altar. Who keeps one of those in their room?"

"You're going to hell," Hidan warned. "Jashin's going to smite your ass. I'm not even kidding you."

Suigetsu shrugged.

Hidan rubbed his temples. This ignorant heathen was giving him a headache. "Don't you care about your eternal soul?"

"Eh. Not really."

"But Jashin-sama's the best," Hidan insisted. "Without his salvation, we'd all be fucked. See, I have to own every heathen ass before I kick the can. It's Jashin's will. And if they're not saved, well, Jashin-sama's gonna have a field day screwing them all over come judgement day. Seriously."

Suigetsu ignored him. Reaching over the bedpost, he grabbed a bottle off his nightstand. He quickly unscrewed the cap.

"Hey, what's that?"

Suigetsu lifted the bottle to his lips.

"Water," he said cheerfully. "Without this, we'd _really _be fucked."

Hidan grumbled. "I don't see what's so great about it. I don't drink it."

Suigetsu was aghast.

"Why not?"

"Thirst," Hidan said wryly, "gives me perpetual discomfort. Just a small taste of what I would encounter in hell. And that reminds me that I'm at the mercy of Jashin-sama's will."

"That doesn't even make any sense," Suigetsu protested. "If you're thirsty…"

Hidan tapped his rosary. "Pain is good, seriously. Remember that."

Suigetsu sighed.

"You _dumbass_…"

* * *

Hidan was disgusted. 

"What are you, a fucking fish? You've had six bottles of water in the past ten minutes."

Suigetsu shot Hidan a put-off look. "And is that a bad thing?"

"You disgust me," Hidan muttered. "Heathen."

Suigetsu shrugged.

Hidan stood up and slid on some shoes.

"I'm going to get a bite to eat," he announced. He had a devilish grin on his face. "I saw this wicked chocolate cheesecake at the bakery…sweet shit, seriously."

Suigetsu raised his eyebrows.

"And I thought you weren't supposed to give in to temptation?"

"Hey," Hidan said, snatching the room key off his nightstand. "Cheesecake isn't temptation. It's a need. Jashin-sama understands that."

With that, he slammed the door shut behind him.

* * *

The glowing green numbers on the alarm clock read _1:47_. Suigetsu, mumbling incoherently, stumbled out of bed and ambled to the door. He let out a shout as he tripped over his half-empty suitcase. 

Hidan sat up, rubbing at his eyes. "What the fuck is going on?"

Suigetsu looked over his shoulder. His hand rested on the doorknob.

"I'm going to the bathroom."

Hidan let out an exasperated sigh. "Do you have to be so loud about it, kid? Seriously."

In response, Suigetsu slammed the door shut behind him. Hidan swore.

* * *

It was three o'clock in the morning. Suigetsu sleepily crawled out of bed and made his way to the door. As he staggered forward, he tripped over his suitcase and landed in a confused heap on the ground. 

Hidan instantly leapt out of bed. His face was purple. He quickly strode over and grabbed Suigetsu by the shirt collar.

"Listen, you dumb fuck!" he exploded. "This is the thirteenth time this has happened! What the hell is wrong with you?"

Suigetsu grinned impishly. "Well, I drink a lot of water, so…"

"Sleep in the bathroom then, dammit! You're waking me up!"

Suigetsu didn't look to put off by this. He smirked at him.

"That's too damn bad, pretty boy," he said evenly. "'Cause I'm not going anywhere unless I feel like."

With that, thrust one hand into his suitcase and pulled out a full bottle of water.

Hidan's eyes went wide.

"You heathen _bastard_…"

The cap came off with a satisfying _pop_. Beaming, Suigetsu brought the bottle up to his lips.

"That's right. A few more bottles and I'll be going to the bathroom a dozen more times before dawn."

And he downed the entire thing.

* * *

"Jashin-sama…" 

Suigetsu sighed and pushed the covers up to his chin.

"Oh _fuck_…"

Suigetsu finally rolled on his side and looked over at Hidan.

"Shut up. I'm trying to sleep."

Hidan was staring at him, his violet eyes bright in the darkness.

"Guh," he moaned.

"Now what's wrong?"

"Jashin's wrath." Hidan winced.

Suigetsu rolled his eyes. "Yeah right."

Sighing heavily, he got out of bed and made his way to Hidan's side of the room, taking care not to bump into his suitcase again.

"Okay. What's wrong with you?"

Hidan was moaning now. "Nausea. Muscle cramps. Dry-fucking-mouth. I'm going to die before I can cleanse my soul. Oh, Jashin…"

Suigetsu raised his eyebrows.

"That's it?"

Hidan glared at him. "What do you mean, 'that's it'?"

Suigetsu shuffled over to his suitcase. He extracted a bottle of water.

"Here. Drink this. It'll make you feel better."

Hidan was dubious. "But I _like_ the pain."

"Oh, here we go," Suigetsu muttered. _What a dumbass_. "Just sip it for now."

"No!"

Suigetsu grabbed Hidan by the neck.

"Listen, idiot," he snapped, "I just want to get some sleep. And I can't do that if you're going to whine all night long. So either drink this or I will personally shove it down your throat and staple your mouth shut. Got it?"

"…fine."

Grumbling, Hidan sipped the water.

"You're dehydrated," Suigetsu said matter-of-factly. "You haven't had any water for some time, have you?"

"…No," grumbled Hidan.

"Water is a good thing," Suigetsu chided. "You should drink at least—"

"Oh shut up already," Hidan growled. "I'm drinking it, okay? You're obsessive."

"Drink the whole thing," his roommate ordered. He handed him another bottle. "That too, idiot."

"…You're enjoying this, aren't you?"

Suigetsu grinned. "Water is life, pretty boy. I don't give a damn about your Jashin nonsense, but when it comes to water…"

Hidan groaned and turned away.

* * *

The alarm clock beeped, its cries becoming more insistent with each passing moment. Within a minute, it was emitting a high pitched squeal. 

Hidan groaned, tucking his head under his pillow.

"You get it."

Suigetsu was sitting cross-legged on his bed. He raised his eyebrows and pointed at himself.

"Me?"

Hidan scowled. "Shut the fucking thing up, dammit."

"You're closer."

"…Fuck you."

Hidan pushed the covers aside and groggily ambled to the alarm clock, which was violently shaking at this point. Leaning over the desk, he flung open the blinds and chucked the ringing device out the window. It smashed against the pavement below, bursting into a thousand tiny fragments. Suigetsu stared.

"There. Happy now?"

Suigetsu was aghast. "…You just threw my alarm clock out the window, you bastard."

His roommate glared at him. "What about it, pansy boy?"

"But I helped you when you were sick!"

Hidan crawled back into bed.

"And you made me get rid of my altar," he replied smugly. "I'm just carrying out Jashin's will. Hate to say it, pansy boy, but you're _fucked_."

"That doesn't even make any sense!" protested Suigetsu. "Hey—Hidan! Wake up! Wait, listen to me—"

There was no reply. Hidan was already asleep.

Payback was oh-so-fucking-sweet.

* * *

**Author's Note**: Hope you liked it! Reviews would be love. 


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